Fantasy Football Cheat Sheet

It's football season, and that means that teens will be getting involved in fantasy football leagues.  Girls will naturally assume these dudes are geeks because of the connotations of the word "fantasy", but dudes know it's much more about winning that $200 pot you all threw $20 into to get the glory and the weed associated with it.

"The first rule of fantasy football is never get stoned before your draft."
- ESPN Fantasy Football Analyst who has chosen to remain anonymous

Ten teens.  Ten teams.  Two blunts.  One draft.  These high school seniors were ready to go and the draft got started with a bang.
"with the first pick in the draft the dildo kings select Aaron Hernandez!"
"dude...he's in prison"

aaron hernandez
not a convicted fellow yet 
The rest of the first round went as expected, with picks 2-9 being the teens struggling to pronounce the names of the players rated 1-8 on their draft sheets.  However, things took a turn for the worst when their nerdy friend, who was filling in for a last second drop out, was forced to display his lack of fantasy football knowledge.  
"with the tenth pick in the draft, thanks for having me guys by the way"
"umm, ok, let's see, the pwning noobs will take Stephen Gostkowski!"
*everyone's jaw drops*

snow field goal
u goofed dude massive leg tho
"When you draft under the influence of marijuana you might do something stupid, like draft a kicker in the first round.  You have to be mentally challenged to do this sober."
- ESPN Fantasy Football Analyst who doesn't actually exist

The second and third round were smooth sailing.  Until the teens realized their draft sheets only listed out the top 35 and then things went absolutely ridiculous.
"with the 37th pick the chopped and stews take joe montana"
"with the 38th pick the boobs are so much friggin better than ass take tiger woods"
"with the 39th pick the fucking fucks take melanie iglesias"
"she's hella hot"

"You need to have some football knowledge when you draft or at least the mental capacity to look at your god damn iPhone.  Taking retired players, tiger woods, or models you would like to have sex with is not a positive when building a fantasy football team." 
- Jeff

The rest of the draft pretty much went in the same vein.  Except for the one teen who actually watches football, no one was able to fill out a roster with more than 5 NFL players.  The draft grades are in, we'll see who ends up working the waiver wire and taking home the $200!

C+ let's go 49ers
D- pwning noobs
F  chopped and stews
F  420ers
F  boobs are so much friggin better than ass
F  666ers
F  fucking fucks
F  dildo kings
F  69ers
F  you guys are gay