Fedoras Are A Sign of Intelligence

Long, long ago at the dawn of civilization, there was a virgin who did not fit in with the "norms" of society. He was a socially awkward atheist and inherently smarter than all of you plebeians. Starting a number of trends, such as the male sexualization of children's show My Little Pony, he truly was a visionary for basement dwellers everywhere. So his legacy would not be forgotten as time passed, he forged four hats (later to be dubbed "fedoras") and gave them to his most loyal disciples. These mystical fedoras have been passed down from generation-to-generation between the most beta of men, and in this Teen News exclusive we caught up with the present day owners of these hats for a little question & answer.



Martin, Master of the Memes
atheist fedora

Teen News: So Martin, what do you like to do in your free time?

Martin: Well the fact that you're asking me this questions means you're a total fucking pleb, if you couldn't tell by my name or the pictures I gracefully taped onto my fedora then I don't even know if I want to continue this interview.

Teen News: Jesus christ I didn't mean to offend you so much Martin.

Martin: OH THERE YOU GO FEELING ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY YOU CHRISTIAN DICKWAD. ILL HAVE YOU KNOW IM AN ACTIVE MEMBER OF THE ATHEIST COMMUNITY AND SPEND MY DAYS BROWSING REDDIT LOOKING AT MEMES AND LAUGHING AT UNINTELLIGENT FOOLS LIKE YOU

Teen News: Martin, please just, I'm sorry

Martin: YOU'RE NOT SORRY, YOU'RE JUST A SCUMBAG STEVE. 

*hangs up phone* 

Cane, the Cripple
atheist fedora

Teen News: Hi Mr. Cane, why don't you tell us a little about yourself?

Cane: Oh what, starting off with a shit tier question just because I'm crippled? You mainstream journalists disgust me

Teen News: No, no its not that Mr. Cane its jus-

Cane: Ill have you know I stopped believing in god the day of my accident. All you dumb christians go to church every sunday and don't even realize you could be doing better things like sitting in your basement browsing r/atheism or watching my little pony. 

Teen News: Could you go into a little more detail about your accident?

Cane: Oh why? So you can send a prayer to you're hypocritic god for me? Ill answer this question but after that I'm leaving, my mommy owes me a belly rub. Anyways, it was a crisp sunday afternoon, I just finished playing an excellent round of dungeons and dragons with my two favorite imaginary pals and decided it would be a good idea to watch some x-rated material.

Teen News: You mean porn?

Cane: SHUT UP YOU IGNORANT PRICK IM GETTING TO IT. So rude, but where was I, oh yes I decided it might be fun to have some personal time with the little man who lives below my waist so I went to my desktop PC and began fapping to the most exquisite of my little pony porn. After the climax I clicked out of the video and browsed reddit for the remainder of evening. 

Teen News: So when did your leg injured?

Cane: What? Oh why I'm using this cane? Later that night I was making myself a glass of warm moo-moo and slipped on a banana peel which lead to the twisting my ankle. That was 4 years ago and I haven't been able to walk right since. 

Charles, the Chin
atheist fedora

Teen News: Hey Charlie how are ya doing? Mind if I start with a few questions abou-

Charles: BOY, WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

Teen News: Umm...Charlie? Isn't that your name?

Charles: YOU FOOL. IM NOT SOME CHRISTIAN HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STAR WHO GOES BY "CHARLIE", IM AN AVID ATHEIST AND INTELLECTUAL WHO WAS NAMED AFTER THE CREATOR OF SCIENCE CHARLES DARWIN HIMSELF

Teen News: Sorry about that sir, but you do know Charles Darwin didn't "create" science right?

Charles: HAH, YOU DIM WITTED PLEB. HEARING YOU SPEAK IS JUST A WASTE OF MY TIME. IF YOU'D LIKE TO GET ENLIGHTENED GO BROWSE R/ATHEISM FOR A LITTLE BIT AND THEN COME BACK TO ME. UNTIL THEN I BID YOU FAIR WELL

*hops on segway and rides into the night*

Tobias, the Sexual Deviant 
atheist fedora

Teen News: Hi Tobias, great to meet you. I was wondering if I could start off with a question about the origins of your name?

Tobias: Why surely. Tobias, the Sexual Deviant, is always prepared for some good debate, I'll have you know I've been browsing reddit for 4 earth years now. 

Teen News: Good to keep in mind, but anyways, your name has the phrase "sexual deviant" in it, and in the fedora wearing community isn't it like a rule that you have to be a virgin to be accepted by them?

Tobias: Ahhh, I must hand it to you Mr. Journalist you have quite a keen eye for detail. Rule #34 of the fedora wearers handbook (copies can be found on www.reddit.com/r/atheisim) states that "If ye' want to be accepted into the elite intellectual society that dawns the fedora, than thou shalt stay a socially awkward virgin for eternity" 

Teen News: Exactly my point...but then why is your name "Tobias, the Sexual Deviant" How does that work out if you are in fact a virgin?

Tobias: Well, if you can't tell from this picture, I'm a man of many fedoras. And by that I mean each hat I wear, I make sweet love too every night in this bed right here. 

Teen News: How does one make love to a hat?

Tobias: Simple, since my mother has confiscated my collection of fleshlights, I just take a jar of mayonaise, a cucumber, and some of my dogs hair and tape it to the hat. Then commence in the sensual love making session, which usually lasts up to 25 seconds or more. 

Teen News: Mayonaise, cucumber and dog hair...really? Im just gonna stop the interview right here Tobias, have a great...day.