Miami High School Goes Above and Beyond to Stop Bullying

Bullying is not only a talking point to make people seem like they care, but it is also a worldwide problem that needs to be faced on local levels.  Even grown men who play physical sports for millions of dollars have to deal with the horrors of bullying, and because of the popularity of the NFL an ordinary Florida high school decided it was time for a change.

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Jonathon Martin of the Miami Dolphins (no relation to Trayvon) is in the news because of his "shenanigans" involving Richie Incognito Jr., the son of multi-millionaire Rich Incognito who developed the infamous "incognito window" for porn browsing on google chrome.  Even though their jersey sales to students at Yo Miami Is So Fat High School are "virtually non-existent", their principal, Shawn Martin (no relation to Trayvon) took a controversial survey asking students "what insult offends you the most?"


"i hate it when my bros call me a fag for ordering a pumpkin spice latte" - Jeffrey (Senior)
"my girlfriends call me a slut! i don't know what for but it hurts!" - Brittney (Freshman)

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Principal Martin is a well educated man having studied for two years at DeVry University of North Lauderdale, and he quickly established a pattern in the survey.  "It seems as though the ways guys get bullied most often is through the implication that they are a homosexual, through words like gay, faggot, and tony homo.  Girls on the other hand seem to get bullied when their friends insinuate that they have an unacceptable amount of sexual partners with insults like whore, slut, and cumdumpster."  Principal Martin had begun to put the pieces together and after two hours of deliberation he implemented MARTINCARE.


MARTINCARE was a program that would have students go onto the MARTINCARE website and sign up.  After signing up each student in the school would be assigned a monogamous sexual partner of the opposite sex.  "The hope is that now that all the male students have a female partner their fellow classmates will stop inferring that they are homosexuals.  Also, since we're establishing monogamy the female students will no longer be able to be referred to as whores."  Minutes before the website when up students reacted to the plan.

"i hope i get a bad bitch" - DeAndre (Junior)
"i hope my guy is hot" - Ashley (Junior)
"do i HAVE to have sex with a girl?" - Chester (Freshman)

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President Obama reacting to a "Hillary Clinton is so old" joke

Even though Principal Martin had received information that the MARTINCARE website could not sustain the amount of students that would be going on it, he launched it anyway exclaiming "i don't really give a shit it's not like i'm the president of the United States".  After weeks of frustration in the student body the website finally worked "ok i guess" and students began getting assigned their monogamous sexual partner.  This failed miserably as 95% of the female student body was "unsatisfied with their partner" and 95% of the male student body was "unsatisfied with the unsatisfaction of their partner".

"ONLY ONE GUY" - Brittney (Freshman)
"i didn't even get to have sex with her" - Jeffrey (Senior)
*shrugs* "i hit it" - DeAndre (Junior)


Yo Miami Is So Fat High School went back to the vicious bullying culture on which its name was originally founded.  Principal Martin resigned the following day and left with a heart wrenching speech.

"Bullying has got to stop.  Whoever follows in my footsteps should maybe take into account the relative attractiveness of the students, or maybe girls should lower their standards.  That's right I'm blaming it on the bitches.  Shout out to my brother Tim Martin, who is not at all related to Trayvon Martin."

He left, finger pistoling as he walked backwards onto his private short bus.