New Study Suggests Rock Music Leads to Cancer

A new study by Harvard University has revealed a new form of ear cancer affecting teens at younger and younger ages.  After an extremely complex study, the scientific community is officially ready to label "dad music" a carcinogen.

ac/dcPHILADELPHIA, PA - For years teens have been tormented in the passenger seat of cars by listening to their father's iPod playlists.  From "Rock Your Socks Off" to "Jammin' Like It's 1974" scientists have confirmed certain music poses a serious health risk to teens.  "Not all bands were created equal." says one anonymous researcher, "And not all bands will kill you as fast."  A particular study surprisingly revealed that music from about 1991 onward has almost no detrimental health effects on teenagers.  However, music before that year has been declared severely dangerous by the FCC.

The most high risk bands for teens apparently are Styx, AC/DC, and Pink Floyd.  Further research promises to reveal more "carcinogenic communications" by 2016.  However, the federal government recommends to people born after the year 1995 to react accordingly, and call your dad or step dad a "shitty person who likes shitty music" if involved in a potentially life threatening situation. Whether it be in the car, in the house, or at a barbecue, one exposure is all it takes.

Teen News was able to get an exclusive statement from a Pennsylvanian teen currently afflicted with a terminal form of this recently discovered disease.  "When my old man put on Highway to Hell, I never considered how literal that song would be."