Old Technology is the #1 Killer of Teenagers

Even though many experts expected the number one cause of teen death to revert to virginity (the number one teen killer in 2012) and a handful campaigned that swag overdoses (the number one teen killer in 2013) would remain on top, outdated technology kills more teens everyday than automobile accidents and bee stings combined.


CAMDEN, NJ - In an area notorious for violent homicides, a new serial killer is on the loose.  iPod nanos, flip phones, corded telephones, and non-flat screen tvs and computer monitors are killing off the next generation of Americans everyday.  Dr. Sarah Buschetti refers to it as the "forgetting the 90s" effect.

"We're entering uncharted territory in American history; starting in 2013, there have been teenagers that weren't born in the 90s."  The esteemed DeVry University professor continued, "the American government had an opportunity to destroy these dangerous artifacts of the forgotten decade, but refused.  They put money into dumb things like the military and cancer research."

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Just last week two teens were asphyxiated by telephone cords, fourteen were cut in half by Motorola Razrs, and seventy six were crushed by old computer monitors.  While she believes 90% of millennials will perish before 2017, Dr. Buschetti has some advice for older teens to stay alive "Remember the 90s...whatever you do, just try to remember the 90s."