Twas The Night Before Christmas

A modern update to a classic poem.  Even though the poem is technically called "A Visit From St. Nicholas" no one refers to it by that outdated 1822 name.  That poem changed the way we viewed Santa Claus and teen news attempts to change it once again.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
No dubstep was blasting, not even deadmau5.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas was a hot girl named blair.

The teens were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of babes twerked in their heads.
And mami in nothing, and I in my snapback,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed worried that life doesn't matter.
Away to the window I flew like the flash,
Tore open the shutters and smoked all of my stash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave no size advantage to my privates below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be a fat trucker prick
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Diesel! now, Diesel! now, Diesel and Diesel!
On, Diesel! On, Diesel! on, on Diesel and Diesel!
Using fossil fuels, using them all
Now dash away! Dash away! Al Gore let's brawl"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, damn i'm fucking high
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of molly, and sticky icky too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
and with a puff of smoke trucker nick came with a pound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of drugs he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, this shits fire...very!
His droll little mouth was preparing for a toke,
And the beard of his chin was as white as his coke.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
his kush was so good you would def be jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, he said this job blows!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and TURN UP TONIGHT!"

25 Days of Christmas
December 1st Advent Calendars
December 2nd Holiday Decorating
December 3rd WTF Happened To The Radio Part 1
December 4th Christmas Trees Are Just Plants
December 5th Hanukkah In Review
December 6th "Happy Holidays"
December 7th Ebay Christmas Ornaments
December 8th Dear Santa,
December 9th Holiday Drinks
December 10th Pumpkin Spice Latte VS. Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino
December 11th Snow Blows
December 12nd XXX-Mas
December 13th Desolation of Smaug (Christmas)
December 14th WTF Happened To The Radio Part 2
December 15th Wait, Christmas Is Religious AF
December 16th Rudolph - The Ginger Reindeer
December 17th What To Get Your Girlfriend For Christmas
December 18th Chlamydia - The Real Grinch
December 19th Why You Want To Be On The Naughty List
December 20th Christmas Movies...That Will Get You Laid
December 21st Looking Back At The End Of The World
December 22nd Stocking Stuffers (NSFW)
December 23rd Last Second Gifts
December 24th Twas The Night Before Christmas
December 25th Merry F****** Christmas