What Makes a White Girl a White Girl

In this piece, we look at simple and easy ways to spot a “white girl”. Could your neighbor be a white girl? Your teacher? YOUR MOTHER? By reading this list you can find out!

1. THEY CAN BE EASILY AGITATED

White girls can often times be dangerous and make unexpected moves, so it’s best to stay away from certain topics of conversation. These topics include: their “bf”, their “ex bf”, their clothing, their grammer, there spelling, and of course, how much they’ve had to drink.

“FCKKK YOU. THISS IS MYY TEMTH SHOT ND IM NNOT EVBEN BUZZZSZED”
*takes fourth shot of the night*
*vomits all over bf*

2. MANY OF THEM DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF MONEY

White girls are known to make foolish purchases

“i bought hello kitty iphone case”
“didn’t you just buy a sailboat one last week?”
“omg sailboats are SO last week”

3. THEY CONGREGATE IN SPECIFIC PLACES

White girls can most commonly be spotted at the mall, at Starbucks, or at a Starbucks at the mall.

white girl



4. THEY MAKE DISTINCT SOUNDS

Late at night, if you listen closely enough, you can hear the mating call of the white girl

*creeps into bushes in a suburban neighborhood*
*distant yelling can be heard*
“…uggs! uggs! …*you’re … *you’re!”

5. THEY SPEAK A HIDDEN LANGUAGE

Most conversations between groups of white girls cannot be understood by your common English speaker. Professor of Language Studies at Columbia University, Dr. Kenny Girlman, has deciphered much of their cryptic tongue:

“You see, ‘Starbucks uggs stickers glitter’ roughly translates to “I enjoy over-priced coffee, shoes, and decorative items. And ‘Twitter white iPhone *you’re’ loosely means, ‘I often post ignorant statements on the internet’. The language of white girls is fascinating to say the least!” – Dr. Girlman at the 2013 World Language Conference