Why Snow Sucks


On the 11th day of the 25 days of Christmas we learn that the writer of these things (me) is a master fortune teller do to the proximity of this pre-determined article to the snow storms throughout America.  Just friggin' kidding! It was bound to snow sometime am I right? Snow fucking blows.




IT'S NOT ACTUALLY COCAINE

Sure, people can joke around and call sweet, sweet cocaine things like "white girl" and "snow", but that doesn't mean white girls or snow is cocaine.  Which sucks because now we still have white girls to fiend for our yay and snow to lose it in.  Teen News does not advocate the use of sweet, sweet, sweet, cocaine.

TEENS CAN'T DRIVE ALREADY


snow traffic accident
"i swear i wasn't texting"














Teen drivers are some of the most notorious drivers of our time.  Finishing right behind asian women and old people, mostly because of the popularity of candy crush.  No teen wants to die, and if they did, they'd probably be dead already.

SHOVELING? FUCK YOU DAD

This one goes out to all of the male compadres reading this.  Your dad has a "bad back" and "wants to drink beer and watch netflix" so he forces you to shovel the driveway.  In the 1850s they would refer to this as "definitely not slavery".

IT'S COLD

What do teens like? Sexy chicks, lit blunts, and swag cars.  What are all of those things? Hot. Hot. Hot.  There's no room for this cold ass shit killing our buzz and ironically being the least chill form of H20 there is.

NO SCHOOL

Just kidding. 4/20 blaze it.
25 Days of Christmas
December 1st Advent Calendars
December 2nd Holiday Decorating
December 3rd WTF Happened To The Radio Part 1
December 4th Christmas Trees Are Just Plants
December 5th Hanukkah In Review
December 6th "Happy Holidays"
December 7th Ebay Christmas Ornaments
December 8th Dear Santa,
December 9th Holiday Drinks
December 10th Pumpkin Spice Latte VS. Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino
December 11th Snow Blows
December 12nd XXX-Mas
December 13th Desolation of Smaug (Christmas)
December 14th WTF Happened To The Radio Part 2
December 15th Wait, Christmas Is Religious AF
December 16th Rudolph - The Ginger Reindeer
December 17th What To Get Your Girlfriend For Christmas
December 18th Chlamydia - The Real Grinch
December 19th Why You Want To Be On The Naughty List
December 20th Christmas Movies...That Will Get You Laid
December 21st Looking Back At The End Of The World
December 22nd Stocking Stuffers (NSFW)
December 23rd Last Second Gifts
December 24th Twas The Night Before Christmas
December 25th Merry F****** Christmas